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I had started planning, despite everything going wrong.
I had seen a fairly decent dress on ebay, at the pub they even offered to give us a DJ at a discount and a cheap buffet after hearing of our budget.
So, i started getting excited again, thinking maybe i could have a do-able wedding.
Time went on and plans came together.
As Christmas and the wedding grew closer, money seemed to go out of the window, and on top of that, i had my 21st birthday coming up. Once again, worry set in. I started to feel as though i didn't want to get married and spend more money on Christmas instead.
I decided to speak to P and ask him to postpone the wedding until we had more money to spare. The response i got was "It's tough, we are getting married."
I had know one to talk to, everyone was excited, i didn't want to feel like i was disappointing them. All anyone could talk about was the wedding. I felt alone and felt like i had no escape, so i turned my attentions to planning my 21st birthday.
I don't think P was to happy about my plans. It was a extra expense in his eyes. But all that was in my mind was that it was my 21st and it's all i could do to take my mind of the wedding.
My friends brother in-law had arranged to come down the same week as my birthday so we all planned to go out on the town on the Friday.
The first day he (J) came down, we arranged to all go bowling. We had a really good afternoon, but i noticed something was wrong when i realized i shut down from P. When we finished our game we went to my friends (L) and (R)'s house for food. I didn't think any more of it.
A day or so later, L, R and J came over to mine so that L and R's daughter could play with my two. As it so often did when we got chatting, it got late so they ended up staying over. It was while we were watching a film, i had realized why i got shut off from P, I was starting to get feelings for J.
Things started looking up...
Sunday 26 June 2011
Friday 24 June 2011
Entry 3
From the outside, my life may have looked perfect and complete, but in reality this was far from the case. I have two beautiful children with very individual personalities(!!!). I had a boyfriend that tried his best to keep food on the table and worked hard trying to make our home a great one. Perfect right?
Except it wasn't.
As i said before P worked nights and slept most of the day, then would wake up and go back to work, this is how the cycle continued.
One day in August 2010, P went out for a while, he said that he had a surprise for me. He came home and pulled out a book from the registry office. Yes that's right, he had booked us a wedding. Although a lovely gesture, my eyes filled with tears and i lost all words - i didn't know how to feel. I was happy that i would finally get to have the wedding i had dreamed of since i was small, (thought i quickly found out that this was not the case). But angry that i never got to set a date for my own wedding.
After my initial shock, i started planning and getting excited. I searched online for the most beautiful venues (not yet knowing the budget). I had every little detail perfectly mapped out in my head.
£1,000!! That was my budget. No more fancy venue or hand made dress, instead, it came down to a registry office wedding with a pub function room reception. Oh, and lets not forget a dress of ebay. Don't get me wrong, it could have been lovely, and i'm sure some people would have made the best of it and made it the best day of their lives.
With not enough money to get the details that would have made it perfect (invitations, wedding favours and table decorations, amongst other things), after spending out on the main things, emotions ran high, worry set in and arguments started. To be honest, i was embarrassed at not being able to give people what i had set them up to expect.
This is where everything went down hill...
Except it wasn't.
As i said before P worked nights and slept most of the day, then would wake up and go back to work, this is how the cycle continued.
One day in August 2010, P went out for a while, he said that he had a surprise for me. He came home and pulled out a book from the registry office. Yes that's right, he had booked us a wedding. Although a lovely gesture, my eyes filled with tears and i lost all words - i didn't know how to feel. I was happy that i would finally get to have the wedding i had dreamed of since i was small, (thought i quickly found out that this was not the case). But angry that i never got to set a date for my own wedding.
After my initial shock, i started planning and getting excited. I searched online for the most beautiful venues (not yet knowing the budget). I had every little detail perfectly mapped out in my head.
£1,000!! That was my budget. No more fancy venue or hand made dress, instead, it came down to a registry office wedding with a pub function room reception. Oh, and lets not forget a dress of ebay. Don't get me wrong, it could have been lovely, and i'm sure some people would have made the best of it and made it the best day of their lives.
With not enough money to get the details that would have made it perfect (invitations, wedding favours and table decorations, amongst other things), after spending out on the main things, emotions ran high, worry set in and arguments started. To be honest, i was embarrassed at not being able to give people what i had set them up to expect.
This is where everything went down hill...
Entry 2
Ok, so far we have covered the basics but that doesn't even scratch the surface. This entry i'll explain how i had to make a tough choice to stop myself from spiraling into a deep depression.
Don't be mistaken, my story is not all bad. I don't nor have i ever tried to put myself across as the best mum, nor for that matter, the best person. So, in some respects, this is my way of saying fuck you to those who never understood me, and put my truth out there, even if at the end of all this there is no outcome other than self satisfaction.
My house gets messy, my children go to bed late some nights, and some days i find myself in tears because i feel like i just can't go on, mainly after a long day of temper tantrums and a lack of sleep. I'm guessing this is the case for a lot of mums though.
One of the main things in life that gets me is how, just because i was young having my children, i must be a bad mum. When as we all know, this isn't always the case. Despite age or situation, we all have a choice, to be the best we can or not. This isn't just about motherhood, this stretches to every aspect of life.
A family friend once told me 'life if what we make it', that has stuck with me because every single day i try to make mine and my children's life a great one, from the smallest choices to the biggest decisions.
Don't be mistaken, my story is not all bad. I don't nor have i ever tried to put myself across as the best mum, nor for that matter, the best person. So, in some respects, this is my way of saying fuck you to those who never understood me, and put my truth out there, even if at the end of all this there is no outcome other than self satisfaction.
My house gets messy, my children go to bed late some nights, and some days i find myself in tears because i feel like i just can't go on, mainly after a long day of temper tantrums and a lack of sleep. I'm guessing this is the case for a lot of mums though.
One of the main things in life that gets me is how, just because i was young having my children, i must be a bad mum. When as we all know, this isn't always the case. Despite age or situation, we all have a choice, to be the best we can or not. This isn't just about motherhood, this stretches to every aspect of life.
A family friend once told me 'life if what we make it', that has stuck with me because every single day i try to make mine and my children's life a great one, from the smallest choices to the biggest decisions.
Wednesday 22 June 2011
Hey!!! I'm Amy, I'm 21 years old. Currently live in Swansea with my amazing other half and my two children, Keiron aged 4 and Sagen aged 1.
I discovered i was pregnant at 16 after my mum bought me a pregnancy test after i missed a period. My god was i shocked at the result. Tears streamed down my face. "Oh my god! What am i going to do?" i thought to myself. After a few moments of calming myself down i quietly called my little sister, Emily, into my bedroom and showed her the result. Expecting her to give me a lecture, she started prancing round with a huge smile on her face.
Telling my mum was the worst part. She had always been open and honest about relationships and sex and using protection etc, so i felt like a disappointment.
"Mum, can i talk to you a sec" i stood in her bedroom doorway. She looked at me, realized something was wrong and headed straight for my bedroom. My mind went empty. I pulled out the pregnancy test and showed it to her. Probably not the best way to do it, but oh well. Her face dropped, no words came out of her mouth, she turned and headed back her bedroom, slamming my door on the way. "Well that went well."
After leaving her to calm down and of course tell my dad, they both were sitting at the table, so i joined them, bracing myself for raised voices, my dad started giving me the sex talk.....My mum interrupted to tell him its a bit late for that. They continued to tell them what i want to do next is completely my choice and either way they will support me as much as possible. I love my parent!
so, here i was, 16, pregnant and still in school. I could say that my friends supported me through it but i would be lying...Truth of the matter is i was ridiculed, looked over and at one point pushed down the stairs. Yeah that's right, pushed down the stairs while i was six months pregnant.I wasn't exactly schools biggest fan but being the only pregnant girl in my school made it unbearable, needless to say i left with very little gcse's. Kids can be cruel and teenagers can be even worse. Luckily i had the support of my family and my boyfriend at the time. For arguments sake we will call him P.
Even though only 18, P stuck with me throughout it all, he came to all the scans, the birth and moved into my mums house with us so he could spend as much time with us as possible. I'ts also probably important to add that he worked in a dead end job to support us.
I think i've pretty much covered everything up until the birth, so here goes....
I woke up in the middle of the night to find myself soaking wet, eww...you guessed it, my waters had broke! What followed next can only be described as a mad dash to the hospital, me eating jaffa cakes in between contractions and excruciating pain. When they tell you about the 'burning ring of fire' they aren't kidding!
What came next was amazing and terrifying at the same time, the midwife handed me my beautiful baby boy and in that moment i realized that not only did i have to look after him but that i really wanted to. That's a lot of responsibility.
Although P was there all the way through his family wasn't. They saw me as some slag who was trying to trap their son, to this day they don't see my kids because his mum showed no interest in her only grandson and consistently called him a mistake. While he was not planned, he is far from a mistake.
P's dad was keen to meet his only grandson and for a while supported us behind his wife's back. Until my son became a bargaining tool, he offered us money to let his wife (the one who has no interest) see Keiron. It wasn't something i felt comfortable with. After a straight answer of NO from me and P, my dad started to receive texts with the numbers 666 and prank phone calls from P's mum. This wasn't what i wanted for my son to grow into. P cut off all communication with his parents (this was his choice).
So here i was, living in my mums house with my beautiful son and loving boyfriend. I was living the family dream. Then reality set in when i realized we had to get our own place. I didn't want to leave my parents house and basically become an adult. Luckily we found a house, 10 doors down, on the same street as my parents.
I woke up for the first time in my new house and suddenly felt grown up. It was unbelievably scary!
Having a baby doesn't give you much time to ponder over what could have been.
Learning to live in a different house to my parents and having to do things for myself was hard. I found it hard to keep up with everything that needed doing. It's odd when the choice between making bottles and doing dishes answers itself and the reality doesn't creep up until there are no clean cups and a big pile of washing are sitting in front of you.
As time went on, things got better, things got easier and life became manageable again. So when Keiron turned 3, we decided to try for another baby. I got pregnant straight away, but sadly it wasn't meant to be and i had a miscarriage. After that i was put off the idea of trying to get pregnant again. As time went on i got pregnant by accident yet again. Although terrified and overwhelmed we were ready to accept and embrace the responsibility.
So, i was pregnant again, with Keiron in nursery half the day, i thought another baby would be easy.....How wrong was i? P lost his job and was forced to take a job working nights, money got very tight and time seemed to go so slow. He worked all night and slept all day. I felt like a single parent with a room mate that shared my bed.
Pregnancy was easier this time, i felt like a mum now. And for the first time in my life i felt i could do it all on my own. As my bump grew, so did my sense of self worth.
This time i could have a home birth and little Sagen Jayne was born on my living room floor with my mum, little sister and P all there to support me, while my dad took Keiron out for a few hours. Sagen's birth was uneventful but the rush of love was the same.
Keiron came home from a fun day out with his bampi to a new baby sister who he was to scared to touch, but as time went on and they both grew older, they gradually started playing with each other.
My life felt complete.....well almost.....
I discovered i was pregnant at 16 after my mum bought me a pregnancy test after i missed a period. My god was i shocked at the result. Tears streamed down my face. "Oh my god! What am i going to do?" i thought to myself. After a few moments of calming myself down i quietly called my little sister, Emily, into my bedroom and showed her the result. Expecting her to give me a lecture, she started prancing round with a huge smile on her face.
Telling my mum was the worst part. She had always been open and honest about relationships and sex and using protection etc, so i felt like a disappointment.
"Mum, can i talk to you a sec" i stood in her bedroom doorway. She looked at me, realized something was wrong and headed straight for my bedroom. My mind went empty. I pulled out the pregnancy test and showed it to her. Probably not the best way to do it, but oh well. Her face dropped, no words came out of her mouth, she turned and headed back her bedroom, slamming my door on the way. "Well that went well."
After leaving her to calm down and of course tell my dad, they both were sitting at the table, so i joined them, bracing myself for raised voices, my dad started giving me the sex talk.....My mum interrupted to tell him its a bit late for that. They continued to tell them what i want to do next is completely my choice and either way they will support me as much as possible. I love my parent!
so, here i was, 16, pregnant and still in school. I could say that my friends supported me through it but i would be lying...Truth of the matter is i was ridiculed, looked over and at one point pushed down the stairs. Yeah that's right, pushed down the stairs while i was six months pregnant.I wasn't exactly schools biggest fan but being the only pregnant girl in my school made it unbearable, needless to say i left with very little gcse's. Kids can be cruel and teenagers can be even worse. Luckily i had the support of my family and my boyfriend at the time. For arguments sake we will call him P.
Even though only 18, P stuck with me throughout it all, he came to all the scans, the birth and moved into my mums house with us so he could spend as much time with us as possible. I'ts also probably important to add that he worked in a dead end job to support us.
I think i've pretty much covered everything up until the birth, so here goes....
I woke up in the middle of the night to find myself soaking wet, eww...you guessed it, my waters had broke! What followed next can only be described as a mad dash to the hospital, me eating jaffa cakes in between contractions and excruciating pain. When they tell you about the 'burning ring of fire' they aren't kidding!
What came next was amazing and terrifying at the same time, the midwife handed me my beautiful baby boy and in that moment i realized that not only did i have to look after him but that i really wanted to. That's a lot of responsibility.
Although P was there all the way through his family wasn't. They saw me as some slag who was trying to trap their son, to this day they don't see my kids because his mum showed no interest in her only grandson and consistently called him a mistake. While he was not planned, he is far from a mistake.
P's dad was keen to meet his only grandson and for a while supported us behind his wife's back. Until my son became a bargaining tool, he offered us money to let his wife (the one who has no interest) see Keiron. It wasn't something i felt comfortable with. After a straight answer of NO from me and P, my dad started to receive texts with the numbers 666 and prank phone calls from P's mum. This wasn't what i wanted for my son to grow into. P cut off all communication with his parents (this was his choice).
So here i was, living in my mums house with my beautiful son and loving boyfriend. I was living the family dream. Then reality set in when i realized we had to get our own place. I didn't want to leave my parents house and basically become an adult. Luckily we found a house, 10 doors down, on the same street as my parents.
I woke up for the first time in my new house and suddenly felt grown up. It was unbelievably scary!
Having a baby doesn't give you much time to ponder over what could have been.
Learning to live in a different house to my parents and having to do things for myself was hard. I found it hard to keep up with everything that needed doing. It's odd when the choice between making bottles and doing dishes answers itself and the reality doesn't creep up until there are no clean cups and a big pile of washing are sitting in front of you.
As time went on, things got better, things got easier and life became manageable again. So when Keiron turned 3, we decided to try for another baby. I got pregnant straight away, but sadly it wasn't meant to be and i had a miscarriage. After that i was put off the idea of trying to get pregnant again. As time went on i got pregnant by accident yet again. Although terrified and overwhelmed we were ready to accept and embrace the responsibility.
So, i was pregnant again, with Keiron in nursery half the day, i thought another baby would be easy.....How wrong was i? P lost his job and was forced to take a job working nights, money got very tight and time seemed to go so slow. He worked all night and slept all day. I felt like a single parent with a room mate that shared my bed.
Pregnancy was easier this time, i felt like a mum now. And for the first time in my life i felt i could do it all on my own. As my bump grew, so did my sense of self worth.
This time i could have a home birth and little Sagen Jayne was born on my living room floor with my mum, little sister and P all there to support me, while my dad took Keiron out for a few hours. Sagen's birth was uneventful but the rush of love was the same.
Keiron came home from a fun day out with his bampi to a new baby sister who he was to scared to touch, but as time went on and they both grew older, they gradually started playing with each other.
My life felt complete.....well almost.....
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