Mine and the kids clothes were packed up and we were ready to go. Myself and the kids said our goodbyes to my parents. (i forgot to mention earlier that me and my mum had fallen out over all of this and still weren't talking properly, but she went along with it without much complaint.)
We got in a taxi and headed to L's house where J was waiting.
I told P that we were leaving at 8pm, while he was in work but we was not leaving until 4am. I didn't want him turning up and coursing trouble in front of the children. But of course he found out and as i thought he would, he turned up at L's.
I had just woke the kids and was getting their coats on while J and his brother R went to the garage to grab some last minute snacks for on the train. Not long after they left, they came rushing back through the door. Not only had P turned, he attempted to run J and R over with his car. Once again the police were called. I went outside to try to get P to leave before the police came. He did, without much hesitation. The bit that hurt the most was that P wasn't there for the kids, he was there for me and by the looks of things, would do anything to have me.
I dropped to the floor outside L's house and just cried.
The police came to get a statement. I managed to convince J and R not to press charged because even though P had done that to them and had not been that interested in the kids, he was still their father and i blamed myself for how he was acting.
We managed to get to the train station and get on the train without a hitch. I was so relieved that we were finally on our way to Wrexham.
Tuesday 26 July 2011
thanks for reading
thank you for reading. I don't actually have internet access at the moment, just while im at my friends so please be patient with me and keep checking for new posts.
Entry 9 - time to fess up.
I couldn't just tell P. Infact i didn't want to tell him, i just wanted it all to magically sort itself out. But i had to tell him. It wasn't fair on either of us to carry on like this and he had a right to know.
I looked for a argument, reasons to make him angry with me, in the hope that when i did tell him he wouldn't care so much because he was angry at other things. (i was fooling myself.) Ofcourse that wouldn't work, but at the time i thought it would.
The arguing continued on into the night. I sat on the bedroom floor, sobbing, and i just came out with it.
J kissed me.
P's facial expresion was heart breaking. He asked if i kissed him back. I nodded.
P gave me a disgusted look (a lot less than i deserved) and stormed out of the house. In some ways i was releieved that i told him and in others i was devistated that 6 years of my life had just suddenly ended. Although i knew this was for the best.
I phoned L and J to warn them that P was properly on his way. He would have been angry by now and i didn't want anyone getting hurt including P.
Not long after L phoned me back to say P had been up there, banging on the door and threatning them all so she phoned the police. Great. So not only had i just broke his heart but the police were after him aswell. I didn't want to destroy his life. He had a right to be angry. I mean who wouldn't be?
P came back. Even thought i had cheated on him , he wanted to give me another chance. Oh no! I couldn't, it wouldn't have been fair on him or myself. I looked else where because i was lonely and wanted to feel special. That didn't stop me feeling guilty though.
P did the 'I can change' routine, even though it shouldn't have been him saying that, i didn't believe he could.
A month had past, P still kept trying but i had to keep pushing him away and carry on for the mine and the kids sake. I had to put a huge wall up and pretend that i just didn't care. For the past month P's effort was not for the kids but to get me back, so i had the kids, had to answer all the awkwood questions and try to make them feel loved. I asked him countless amouts of times if he wanted to take the kids out for a bit to spend some time with them but nothing ever came of it. My children were suffering now. I felt as though it was my fault but even though i had broken P's heart he still had children and still had to be a father.
I decided to take them away from all this and give everyone a break, so myself, J and the ids planned to go to J's home in Wrexham for a week and turn it into a little holiday for them.
I have to add that i did offer if P wanted them for the week, without me being around so he could spend some proper time with them. The answer was no. So what was i to do? keep them in this enviroment and let them carry on suffering or take them away and let them be kids and have fun?
I looked for a argument, reasons to make him angry with me, in the hope that when i did tell him he wouldn't care so much because he was angry at other things. (i was fooling myself.) Ofcourse that wouldn't work, but at the time i thought it would.
The arguing continued on into the night. I sat on the bedroom floor, sobbing, and i just came out with it.
J kissed me.
P's facial expresion was heart breaking. He asked if i kissed him back. I nodded.
P gave me a disgusted look (a lot less than i deserved) and stormed out of the house. In some ways i was releieved that i told him and in others i was devistated that 6 years of my life had just suddenly ended. Although i knew this was for the best.
I phoned L and J to warn them that P was properly on his way. He would have been angry by now and i didn't want anyone getting hurt including P.
Not long after L phoned me back to say P had been up there, banging on the door and threatning them all so she phoned the police. Great. So not only had i just broke his heart but the police were after him aswell. I didn't want to destroy his life. He had a right to be angry. I mean who wouldn't be?
P came back. Even thought i had cheated on him , he wanted to give me another chance. Oh no! I couldn't, it wouldn't have been fair on him or myself. I looked else where because i was lonely and wanted to feel special. That didn't stop me feeling guilty though.
P did the 'I can change' routine, even though it shouldn't have been him saying that, i didn't believe he could.
A month had past, P still kept trying but i had to keep pushing him away and carry on for the mine and the kids sake. I had to put a huge wall up and pretend that i just didn't care. For the past month P's effort was not for the kids but to get me back, so i had the kids, had to answer all the awkwood questions and try to make them feel loved. I asked him countless amouts of times if he wanted to take the kids out for a bit to spend some time with them but nothing ever came of it. My children were suffering now. I felt as though it was my fault but even though i had broken P's heart he still had children and still had to be a father.
I decided to take them away from all this and give everyone a break, so myself, J and the ids planned to go to J's home in Wrexham for a week and turn it into a little holiday for them.
I have to add that i did offer if P wanted them for the week, without me being around so he could spend some proper time with them. The answer was no. So what was i to do? keep them in this enviroment and let them carry on suffering or take them away and let them be kids and have fun?
Friday 15 July 2011
Entry 7
My birthday night out finally arrived. I had spent the whole day searching searching for a dress. I went all out and spent hours on my hair and make-up. I felt sexy and confident for a change.
In some ways i was excited about going out but in others, really worried because not only was P coming out but so was J. I didn't have a clue what to do. At this point i wasn't sure whether i wanted to get it over with and tell P or just pretend nothing had happened and carry on with a wedding i didn't want to happen and a relationship that i obviously wasn't happy in, but even so, the thought of breaking P's heart still upset me.
The night was going smoothly so far. J, L, R and P were all here, getting in the party mood and waiting for my mum and her friend to arrive. Meanwhile P was hungry and asked if someone would go to the shop to pick up some food. L and R volunteered to go, thinking that it would give me and J a few minutes to ourselves. Although that wasn't the case, by the time they had got out of the front door, R came back in and told J he had to go with them. Apparently, P had said he wasn't going to leave J alone in the house with me. At this point P didn't know that anything had happened, this made me think about how little he trusted me.
My mum and her friend Y arrived. Now, all ready to go we all got into a taxi and went into town.
So we were in town and tensions were already running high. We all got a drink , it was then i noticed J was on edge. We went outside and went to the next place. Apart from our group we were alone in the club. Me, my mum, L and Y were dancing. J and R had gone to the toilet and on their way back J started dancing with us, P noticed this and came up to dance as well. This annoyed me because i knew he only came over to make sure me and J didn't dance together. I left the group and went to the toilets to get two minutes peace. P came running up after me, even more pissed off that he had followed me i snapped at him about trust. L had noticed i'd been gone a while so she came to find me, so we went back down and carried on dancing.
Another drink, another bar and then we started walking to the big club. All of us were having a laugh on the way with J proposing to Y and pretending to be madly in love. And then i saw P walking ahead in a mood. By the time we got to the entrance P had become really possessive over me and wanted to cuddle and be next to me all the time, please remember this was the guy who worked all night and slept all day and showed no interest in me.
P was trying to be the big man and tried starting fights with anyone that came near me, so J kept his distance.
Me and L went to the toilets and J was coming from the smoking area, I grabbed his hand and took him into a quiet part of the club for a sneaky kiss.
P got more and more irritable as the night went on. I'll be honest from here the drink kicked in and i don't remember much more, except that nothing else happened with me and J.......
The next morning through the haze of the hangover i knew that i had to tell P the truth....
In some ways i was excited about going out but in others, really worried because not only was P coming out but so was J. I didn't have a clue what to do. At this point i wasn't sure whether i wanted to get it over with and tell P or just pretend nothing had happened and carry on with a wedding i didn't want to happen and a relationship that i obviously wasn't happy in, but even so, the thought of breaking P's heart still upset me.
The night was going smoothly so far. J, L, R and P were all here, getting in the party mood and waiting for my mum and her friend to arrive. Meanwhile P was hungry and asked if someone would go to the shop to pick up some food. L and R volunteered to go, thinking that it would give me and J a few minutes to ourselves. Although that wasn't the case, by the time they had got out of the front door, R came back in and told J he had to go with them. Apparently, P had said he wasn't going to leave J alone in the house with me. At this point P didn't know that anything had happened, this made me think about how little he trusted me.
My mum and her friend Y arrived. Now, all ready to go we all got into a taxi and went into town.
So we were in town and tensions were already running high. We all got a drink , it was then i noticed J was on edge. We went outside and went to the next place. Apart from our group we were alone in the club. Me, my mum, L and Y were dancing. J and R had gone to the toilet and on their way back J started dancing with us, P noticed this and came up to dance as well. This annoyed me because i knew he only came over to make sure me and J didn't dance together. I left the group and went to the toilets to get two minutes peace. P came running up after me, even more pissed off that he had followed me i snapped at him about trust. L had noticed i'd been gone a while so she came to find me, so we went back down and carried on dancing.
Another drink, another bar and then we started walking to the big club. All of us were having a laugh on the way with J proposing to Y and pretending to be madly in love. And then i saw P walking ahead in a mood. By the time we got to the entrance P had become really possessive over me and wanted to cuddle and be next to me all the time, please remember this was the guy who worked all night and slept all day and showed no interest in me.
P was trying to be the big man and tried starting fights with anyone that came near me, so J kept his distance.
Me and L went to the toilets and J was coming from the smoking area, I grabbed his hand and took him into a quiet part of the club for a sneaky kiss.
P got more and more irritable as the night went on. I'll be honest from here the drink kicked in and i don't remember much more, except that nothing else happened with me and J.......
The next morning through the haze of the hangover i knew that i had to tell P the truth....
Tuesday 5 July 2011
entry 6
confusion!!!!
My birthday night arrived. P was at work once again. L, R, J and my parents came around to my house for a little tea party, that L had organised.
J and I never really spoke while everyone was there, just smiled at each other from across the room. In all honesty i found it quite exiting.
As the night went on, my parents had gone home and it just left myself, J, L and R....
L and R went in to the other room to use my computer for a bit. So me and J sat on the sofa to watch some telly. Still no words were really spoken. Just little flirtatious smiles. Out of know where J leaned in for a kiss. My stomach dropped, excitement, nervousness and want took over. My head was telling me not to do it but i so wanted to. So i leaned in and took him up on the offer.
For a long time i didn't feel wanted or attractive, i had always been jealous of other girls for having the looks and the funny, quirky personalities. Now i felt special.
The next night was the night we were going out to celebrate my birthday properly.
My birthday night arrived. P was at work once again. L, R, J and my parents came around to my house for a little tea party, that L had organised.
J and I never really spoke while everyone was there, just smiled at each other from across the room. In all honesty i found it quite exiting.
As the night went on, my parents had gone home and it just left myself, J, L and R....
L and R went in to the other room to use my computer for a bit. So me and J sat on the sofa to watch some telly. Still no words were really spoken. Just little flirtatious smiles. Out of know where J leaned in for a kiss. My stomach dropped, excitement, nervousness and want took over. My head was telling me not to do it but i so wanted to. So i leaned in and took him up on the offer.
For a long time i didn't feel wanted or attractive, i had always been jealous of other girls for having the looks and the funny, quirky personalities. Now i felt special.
The next night was the night we were going out to celebrate my birthday properly.
entry 5
So, as i was saying, things started looking up. P was at work while L, R, J and myself watched a movie. Me and J started chatting and sharing our life experiences. Soon chatting turned to flirting. For a while i had alone bt tonight i felt wanted. Nothing else had happened that night nor did i expect it to.
After that night J started texting me. After the 'how are you?' and 'what have you been upto?' conversation past, i suddenly received a text message asking if he could have a secret kiss.
I felt confused and somewhat guilty because in some ways i wanted to reply saying yes. Not knowing what i really wanted, i said maybe and left it at that.
Oh my god! was i really contemplating cheating on P?
Was i really going to risk a 6 year relationship for a guy i hardly knew?
When i thought about it i realized, that if my relationship with P had broken down years ago and if it was what i wanted i wouldn't be thinking about anyone else.
After that night J started texting me. After the 'how are you?' and 'what have you been upto?' conversation past, i suddenly received a text message asking if he could have a secret kiss.
I felt confused and somewhat guilty because in some ways i wanted to reply saying yes. Not knowing what i really wanted, i said maybe and left it at that.
Oh my god! was i really contemplating cheating on P?
Was i really going to risk a 6 year relationship for a guy i hardly knew?
When i thought about it i realized, that if my relationship with P had broken down years ago and if it was what i wanted i wouldn't be thinking about anyone else.
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