Mine and the kids clothes were packed up and we were ready to go. Myself and the kids said our goodbyes to my parents. (i forgot to mention earlier that me and my mum had fallen out over all of this and still weren't talking properly, but she went along with it without much complaint.)
We got in a taxi and headed to L's house where J was waiting.
I told P that we were leaving at 8pm, while he was in work but we was not leaving until 4am. I didn't want him turning up and coursing trouble in front of the children. But of course he found out and as i thought he would, he turned up at L's.
I had just woke the kids and was getting their coats on while J and his brother R went to the garage to grab some last minute snacks for on the train. Not long after they left, they came rushing back through the door. Not only had P turned, he attempted to run J and R over with his car. Once again the police were called. I went outside to try to get P to leave before the police came. He did, without much hesitation. The bit that hurt the most was that P wasn't there for the kids, he was there for me and by the looks of things, would do anything to have me.
I dropped to the floor outside L's house and just cried.
The police came to get a statement. I managed to convince J and R not to press charged because even though P had done that to them and had not been that interested in the kids, he was still their father and i blamed myself for how he was acting.
We managed to get to the train station and get on the train without a hitch. I was so relieved that we were finally on our way to Wrexham.
Tuesday 26 July 2011
thanks for reading
thank you for reading. I don't actually have internet access at the moment, just while im at my friends so please be patient with me and keep checking for new posts.
Entry 9 - time to fess up.
I couldn't just tell P. Infact i didn't want to tell him, i just wanted it all to magically sort itself out. But i had to tell him. It wasn't fair on either of us to carry on like this and he had a right to know.
I looked for a argument, reasons to make him angry with me, in the hope that when i did tell him he wouldn't care so much because he was angry at other things. (i was fooling myself.) Ofcourse that wouldn't work, but at the time i thought it would.
The arguing continued on into the night. I sat on the bedroom floor, sobbing, and i just came out with it.
J kissed me.
P's facial expresion was heart breaking. He asked if i kissed him back. I nodded.
P gave me a disgusted look (a lot less than i deserved) and stormed out of the house. In some ways i was releieved that i told him and in others i was devistated that 6 years of my life had just suddenly ended. Although i knew this was for the best.
I phoned L and J to warn them that P was properly on his way. He would have been angry by now and i didn't want anyone getting hurt including P.
Not long after L phoned me back to say P had been up there, banging on the door and threatning them all so she phoned the police. Great. So not only had i just broke his heart but the police were after him aswell. I didn't want to destroy his life. He had a right to be angry. I mean who wouldn't be?
P came back. Even thought i had cheated on him , he wanted to give me another chance. Oh no! I couldn't, it wouldn't have been fair on him or myself. I looked else where because i was lonely and wanted to feel special. That didn't stop me feeling guilty though.
P did the 'I can change' routine, even though it shouldn't have been him saying that, i didn't believe he could.
A month had past, P still kept trying but i had to keep pushing him away and carry on for the mine and the kids sake. I had to put a huge wall up and pretend that i just didn't care. For the past month P's effort was not for the kids but to get me back, so i had the kids, had to answer all the awkwood questions and try to make them feel loved. I asked him countless amouts of times if he wanted to take the kids out for a bit to spend some time with them but nothing ever came of it. My children were suffering now. I felt as though it was my fault but even though i had broken P's heart he still had children and still had to be a father.
I decided to take them away from all this and give everyone a break, so myself, J and the ids planned to go to J's home in Wrexham for a week and turn it into a little holiday for them.
I have to add that i did offer if P wanted them for the week, without me being around so he could spend some proper time with them. The answer was no. So what was i to do? keep them in this enviroment and let them carry on suffering or take them away and let them be kids and have fun?
I looked for a argument, reasons to make him angry with me, in the hope that when i did tell him he wouldn't care so much because he was angry at other things. (i was fooling myself.) Ofcourse that wouldn't work, but at the time i thought it would.
The arguing continued on into the night. I sat on the bedroom floor, sobbing, and i just came out with it.
J kissed me.
P's facial expresion was heart breaking. He asked if i kissed him back. I nodded.
P gave me a disgusted look (a lot less than i deserved) and stormed out of the house. In some ways i was releieved that i told him and in others i was devistated that 6 years of my life had just suddenly ended. Although i knew this was for the best.
I phoned L and J to warn them that P was properly on his way. He would have been angry by now and i didn't want anyone getting hurt including P.
Not long after L phoned me back to say P had been up there, banging on the door and threatning them all so she phoned the police. Great. So not only had i just broke his heart but the police were after him aswell. I didn't want to destroy his life. He had a right to be angry. I mean who wouldn't be?
P came back. Even thought i had cheated on him , he wanted to give me another chance. Oh no! I couldn't, it wouldn't have been fair on him or myself. I looked else where because i was lonely and wanted to feel special. That didn't stop me feeling guilty though.
P did the 'I can change' routine, even though it shouldn't have been him saying that, i didn't believe he could.
A month had past, P still kept trying but i had to keep pushing him away and carry on for the mine and the kids sake. I had to put a huge wall up and pretend that i just didn't care. For the past month P's effort was not for the kids but to get me back, so i had the kids, had to answer all the awkwood questions and try to make them feel loved. I asked him countless amouts of times if he wanted to take the kids out for a bit to spend some time with them but nothing ever came of it. My children were suffering now. I felt as though it was my fault but even though i had broken P's heart he still had children and still had to be a father.
I decided to take them away from all this and give everyone a break, so myself, J and the ids planned to go to J's home in Wrexham for a week and turn it into a little holiday for them.
I have to add that i did offer if P wanted them for the week, without me being around so he could spend some proper time with them. The answer was no. So what was i to do? keep them in this enviroment and let them carry on suffering or take them away and let them be kids and have fun?
Friday 15 July 2011
Entry 7
My birthday night out finally arrived. I had spent the whole day searching searching for a dress. I went all out and spent hours on my hair and make-up. I felt sexy and confident for a change.
In some ways i was excited about going out but in others, really worried because not only was P coming out but so was J. I didn't have a clue what to do. At this point i wasn't sure whether i wanted to get it over with and tell P or just pretend nothing had happened and carry on with a wedding i didn't want to happen and a relationship that i obviously wasn't happy in, but even so, the thought of breaking P's heart still upset me.
The night was going smoothly so far. J, L, R and P were all here, getting in the party mood and waiting for my mum and her friend to arrive. Meanwhile P was hungry and asked if someone would go to the shop to pick up some food. L and R volunteered to go, thinking that it would give me and J a few minutes to ourselves. Although that wasn't the case, by the time they had got out of the front door, R came back in and told J he had to go with them. Apparently, P had said he wasn't going to leave J alone in the house with me. At this point P didn't know that anything had happened, this made me think about how little he trusted me.
My mum and her friend Y arrived. Now, all ready to go we all got into a taxi and went into town.
So we were in town and tensions were already running high. We all got a drink , it was then i noticed J was on edge. We went outside and went to the next place. Apart from our group we were alone in the club. Me, my mum, L and Y were dancing. J and R had gone to the toilet and on their way back J started dancing with us, P noticed this and came up to dance as well. This annoyed me because i knew he only came over to make sure me and J didn't dance together. I left the group and went to the toilets to get two minutes peace. P came running up after me, even more pissed off that he had followed me i snapped at him about trust. L had noticed i'd been gone a while so she came to find me, so we went back down and carried on dancing.
Another drink, another bar and then we started walking to the big club. All of us were having a laugh on the way with J proposing to Y and pretending to be madly in love. And then i saw P walking ahead in a mood. By the time we got to the entrance P had become really possessive over me and wanted to cuddle and be next to me all the time, please remember this was the guy who worked all night and slept all day and showed no interest in me.
P was trying to be the big man and tried starting fights with anyone that came near me, so J kept his distance.
Me and L went to the toilets and J was coming from the smoking area, I grabbed his hand and took him into a quiet part of the club for a sneaky kiss.
P got more and more irritable as the night went on. I'll be honest from here the drink kicked in and i don't remember much more, except that nothing else happened with me and J.......
The next morning through the haze of the hangover i knew that i had to tell P the truth....
In some ways i was excited about going out but in others, really worried because not only was P coming out but so was J. I didn't have a clue what to do. At this point i wasn't sure whether i wanted to get it over with and tell P or just pretend nothing had happened and carry on with a wedding i didn't want to happen and a relationship that i obviously wasn't happy in, but even so, the thought of breaking P's heart still upset me.
The night was going smoothly so far. J, L, R and P were all here, getting in the party mood and waiting for my mum and her friend to arrive. Meanwhile P was hungry and asked if someone would go to the shop to pick up some food. L and R volunteered to go, thinking that it would give me and J a few minutes to ourselves. Although that wasn't the case, by the time they had got out of the front door, R came back in and told J he had to go with them. Apparently, P had said he wasn't going to leave J alone in the house with me. At this point P didn't know that anything had happened, this made me think about how little he trusted me.
My mum and her friend Y arrived. Now, all ready to go we all got into a taxi and went into town.
So we were in town and tensions were already running high. We all got a drink , it was then i noticed J was on edge. We went outside and went to the next place. Apart from our group we were alone in the club. Me, my mum, L and Y were dancing. J and R had gone to the toilet and on their way back J started dancing with us, P noticed this and came up to dance as well. This annoyed me because i knew he only came over to make sure me and J didn't dance together. I left the group and went to the toilets to get two minutes peace. P came running up after me, even more pissed off that he had followed me i snapped at him about trust. L had noticed i'd been gone a while so she came to find me, so we went back down and carried on dancing.
Another drink, another bar and then we started walking to the big club. All of us were having a laugh on the way with J proposing to Y and pretending to be madly in love. And then i saw P walking ahead in a mood. By the time we got to the entrance P had become really possessive over me and wanted to cuddle and be next to me all the time, please remember this was the guy who worked all night and slept all day and showed no interest in me.
P was trying to be the big man and tried starting fights with anyone that came near me, so J kept his distance.
Me and L went to the toilets and J was coming from the smoking area, I grabbed his hand and took him into a quiet part of the club for a sneaky kiss.
P got more and more irritable as the night went on. I'll be honest from here the drink kicked in and i don't remember much more, except that nothing else happened with me and J.......
The next morning through the haze of the hangover i knew that i had to tell P the truth....
Tuesday 5 July 2011
entry 6
confusion!!!!
My birthday night arrived. P was at work once again. L, R, J and my parents came around to my house for a little tea party, that L had organised.
J and I never really spoke while everyone was there, just smiled at each other from across the room. In all honesty i found it quite exiting.
As the night went on, my parents had gone home and it just left myself, J, L and R....
L and R went in to the other room to use my computer for a bit. So me and J sat on the sofa to watch some telly. Still no words were really spoken. Just little flirtatious smiles. Out of know where J leaned in for a kiss. My stomach dropped, excitement, nervousness and want took over. My head was telling me not to do it but i so wanted to. So i leaned in and took him up on the offer.
For a long time i didn't feel wanted or attractive, i had always been jealous of other girls for having the looks and the funny, quirky personalities. Now i felt special.
The next night was the night we were going out to celebrate my birthday properly.
My birthday night arrived. P was at work once again. L, R, J and my parents came around to my house for a little tea party, that L had organised.
J and I never really spoke while everyone was there, just smiled at each other from across the room. In all honesty i found it quite exiting.
As the night went on, my parents had gone home and it just left myself, J, L and R....
L and R went in to the other room to use my computer for a bit. So me and J sat on the sofa to watch some telly. Still no words were really spoken. Just little flirtatious smiles. Out of know where J leaned in for a kiss. My stomach dropped, excitement, nervousness and want took over. My head was telling me not to do it but i so wanted to. So i leaned in and took him up on the offer.
For a long time i didn't feel wanted or attractive, i had always been jealous of other girls for having the looks and the funny, quirky personalities. Now i felt special.
The next night was the night we were going out to celebrate my birthday properly.
entry 5
So, as i was saying, things started looking up. P was at work while L, R, J and myself watched a movie. Me and J started chatting and sharing our life experiences. Soon chatting turned to flirting. For a while i had alone bt tonight i felt wanted. Nothing else had happened that night nor did i expect it to.
After that night J started texting me. After the 'how are you?' and 'what have you been upto?' conversation past, i suddenly received a text message asking if he could have a secret kiss.
I felt confused and somewhat guilty because in some ways i wanted to reply saying yes. Not knowing what i really wanted, i said maybe and left it at that.
Oh my god! was i really contemplating cheating on P?
Was i really going to risk a 6 year relationship for a guy i hardly knew?
When i thought about it i realized, that if my relationship with P had broken down years ago and if it was what i wanted i wouldn't be thinking about anyone else.
After that night J started texting me. After the 'how are you?' and 'what have you been upto?' conversation past, i suddenly received a text message asking if he could have a secret kiss.
I felt confused and somewhat guilty because in some ways i wanted to reply saying yes. Not knowing what i really wanted, i said maybe and left it at that.
Oh my god! was i really contemplating cheating on P?
Was i really going to risk a 6 year relationship for a guy i hardly knew?
When i thought about it i realized, that if my relationship with P had broken down years ago and if it was what i wanted i wouldn't be thinking about anyone else.
Sunday 26 June 2011
Entry 4....this is where it gets interesting
To my readers:
Thank you to the people who have commented and are following me. i love reading your stories. Be sure to keep reading :)
I had started planning, despite everything going wrong.
I had seen a fairly decent dress on ebay, at the pub they even offered to give us a DJ at a discount and a cheap buffet after hearing of our budget.
So, i started getting excited again, thinking maybe i could have a do-able wedding.
Time went on and plans came together.
As Christmas and the wedding grew closer, money seemed to go out of the window, and on top of that, i had my 21st birthday coming up. Once again, worry set in. I started to feel as though i didn't want to get married and spend more money on Christmas instead.
I decided to speak to P and ask him to postpone the wedding until we had more money to spare. The response i got was "It's tough, we are getting married."
I had know one to talk to, everyone was excited, i didn't want to feel like i was disappointing them. All anyone could talk about was the wedding. I felt alone and felt like i had no escape, so i turned my attentions to planning my 21st birthday.
I don't think P was to happy about my plans. It was a extra expense in his eyes. But all that was in my mind was that it was my 21st and it's all i could do to take my mind of the wedding.
My friends brother in-law had arranged to come down the same week as my birthday so we all planned to go out on the town on the Friday.
The first day he (J) came down, we arranged to all go bowling. We had a really good afternoon, but i noticed something was wrong when i realized i shut down from P. When we finished our game we went to my friends (L) and (R)'s house for food. I didn't think any more of it.
A day or so later, L, R and J came over to mine so that L and R's daughter could play with my two. As it so often did when we got chatting, it got late so they ended up staying over. It was while we were watching a film, i had realized why i got shut off from P, I was starting to get feelings for J.
Things started looking up...
Thank you to the people who have commented and are following me. i love reading your stories. Be sure to keep reading :)
I had started planning, despite everything going wrong.
I had seen a fairly decent dress on ebay, at the pub they even offered to give us a DJ at a discount and a cheap buffet after hearing of our budget.
So, i started getting excited again, thinking maybe i could have a do-able wedding.
Time went on and plans came together.
As Christmas and the wedding grew closer, money seemed to go out of the window, and on top of that, i had my 21st birthday coming up. Once again, worry set in. I started to feel as though i didn't want to get married and spend more money on Christmas instead.
I decided to speak to P and ask him to postpone the wedding until we had more money to spare. The response i got was "It's tough, we are getting married."
I had know one to talk to, everyone was excited, i didn't want to feel like i was disappointing them. All anyone could talk about was the wedding. I felt alone and felt like i had no escape, so i turned my attentions to planning my 21st birthday.
I don't think P was to happy about my plans. It was a extra expense in his eyes. But all that was in my mind was that it was my 21st and it's all i could do to take my mind of the wedding.
My friends brother in-law had arranged to come down the same week as my birthday so we all planned to go out on the town on the Friday.
The first day he (J) came down, we arranged to all go bowling. We had a really good afternoon, but i noticed something was wrong when i realized i shut down from P. When we finished our game we went to my friends (L) and (R)'s house for food. I didn't think any more of it.
A day or so later, L, R and J came over to mine so that L and R's daughter could play with my two. As it so often did when we got chatting, it got late so they ended up staying over. It was while we were watching a film, i had realized why i got shut off from P, I was starting to get feelings for J.
Things started looking up...
Friday 24 June 2011
Entry 3
From the outside, my life may have looked perfect and complete, but in reality this was far from the case. I have two beautiful children with very individual personalities(!!!). I had a boyfriend that tried his best to keep food on the table and worked hard trying to make our home a great one. Perfect right?
Except it wasn't.
As i said before P worked nights and slept most of the day, then would wake up and go back to work, this is how the cycle continued.
One day in August 2010, P went out for a while, he said that he had a surprise for me. He came home and pulled out a book from the registry office. Yes that's right, he had booked us a wedding. Although a lovely gesture, my eyes filled with tears and i lost all words - i didn't know how to feel. I was happy that i would finally get to have the wedding i had dreamed of since i was small, (thought i quickly found out that this was not the case). But angry that i never got to set a date for my own wedding.
After my initial shock, i started planning and getting excited. I searched online for the most beautiful venues (not yet knowing the budget). I had every little detail perfectly mapped out in my head.
£1,000!! That was my budget. No more fancy venue or hand made dress, instead, it came down to a registry office wedding with a pub function room reception. Oh, and lets not forget a dress of ebay. Don't get me wrong, it could have been lovely, and i'm sure some people would have made the best of it and made it the best day of their lives.
With not enough money to get the details that would have made it perfect (invitations, wedding favours and table decorations, amongst other things), after spending out on the main things, emotions ran high, worry set in and arguments started. To be honest, i was embarrassed at not being able to give people what i had set them up to expect.
This is where everything went down hill...
Except it wasn't.
As i said before P worked nights and slept most of the day, then would wake up and go back to work, this is how the cycle continued.
One day in August 2010, P went out for a while, he said that he had a surprise for me. He came home and pulled out a book from the registry office. Yes that's right, he had booked us a wedding. Although a lovely gesture, my eyes filled with tears and i lost all words - i didn't know how to feel. I was happy that i would finally get to have the wedding i had dreamed of since i was small, (thought i quickly found out that this was not the case). But angry that i never got to set a date for my own wedding.
After my initial shock, i started planning and getting excited. I searched online for the most beautiful venues (not yet knowing the budget). I had every little detail perfectly mapped out in my head.
£1,000!! That was my budget. No more fancy venue or hand made dress, instead, it came down to a registry office wedding with a pub function room reception. Oh, and lets not forget a dress of ebay. Don't get me wrong, it could have been lovely, and i'm sure some people would have made the best of it and made it the best day of their lives.
With not enough money to get the details that would have made it perfect (invitations, wedding favours and table decorations, amongst other things), after spending out on the main things, emotions ran high, worry set in and arguments started. To be honest, i was embarrassed at not being able to give people what i had set them up to expect.
This is where everything went down hill...
Entry 2
Ok, so far we have covered the basics but that doesn't even scratch the surface. This entry i'll explain how i had to make a tough choice to stop myself from spiraling into a deep depression.
Don't be mistaken, my story is not all bad. I don't nor have i ever tried to put myself across as the best mum, nor for that matter, the best person. So, in some respects, this is my way of saying fuck you to those who never understood me, and put my truth out there, even if at the end of all this there is no outcome other than self satisfaction.
My house gets messy, my children go to bed late some nights, and some days i find myself in tears because i feel like i just can't go on, mainly after a long day of temper tantrums and a lack of sleep. I'm guessing this is the case for a lot of mums though.
One of the main things in life that gets me is how, just because i was young having my children, i must be a bad mum. When as we all know, this isn't always the case. Despite age or situation, we all have a choice, to be the best we can or not. This isn't just about motherhood, this stretches to every aspect of life.
A family friend once told me 'life if what we make it', that has stuck with me because every single day i try to make mine and my children's life a great one, from the smallest choices to the biggest decisions.
Don't be mistaken, my story is not all bad. I don't nor have i ever tried to put myself across as the best mum, nor for that matter, the best person. So, in some respects, this is my way of saying fuck you to those who never understood me, and put my truth out there, even if at the end of all this there is no outcome other than self satisfaction.
My house gets messy, my children go to bed late some nights, and some days i find myself in tears because i feel like i just can't go on, mainly after a long day of temper tantrums and a lack of sleep. I'm guessing this is the case for a lot of mums though.
One of the main things in life that gets me is how, just because i was young having my children, i must be a bad mum. When as we all know, this isn't always the case. Despite age or situation, we all have a choice, to be the best we can or not. This isn't just about motherhood, this stretches to every aspect of life.
A family friend once told me 'life if what we make it', that has stuck with me because every single day i try to make mine and my children's life a great one, from the smallest choices to the biggest decisions.
Wednesday 22 June 2011
Hey!!! I'm Amy, I'm 21 years old. Currently live in Swansea with my amazing other half and my two children, Keiron aged 4 and Sagen aged 1.
I discovered i was pregnant at 16 after my mum bought me a pregnancy test after i missed a period. My god was i shocked at the result. Tears streamed down my face. "Oh my god! What am i going to do?" i thought to myself. After a few moments of calming myself down i quietly called my little sister, Emily, into my bedroom and showed her the result. Expecting her to give me a lecture, she started prancing round with a huge smile on her face.
Telling my mum was the worst part. She had always been open and honest about relationships and sex and using protection etc, so i felt like a disappointment.
"Mum, can i talk to you a sec" i stood in her bedroom doorway. She looked at me, realized something was wrong and headed straight for my bedroom. My mind went empty. I pulled out the pregnancy test and showed it to her. Probably not the best way to do it, but oh well. Her face dropped, no words came out of her mouth, she turned and headed back her bedroom, slamming my door on the way. "Well that went well."
After leaving her to calm down and of course tell my dad, they both were sitting at the table, so i joined them, bracing myself for raised voices, my dad started giving me the sex talk.....My mum interrupted to tell him its a bit late for that. They continued to tell them what i want to do next is completely my choice and either way they will support me as much as possible. I love my parent!
so, here i was, 16, pregnant and still in school. I could say that my friends supported me through it but i would be lying...Truth of the matter is i was ridiculed, looked over and at one point pushed down the stairs. Yeah that's right, pushed down the stairs while i was six months pregnant.I wasn't exactly schools biggest fan but being the only pregnant girl in my school made it unbearable, needless to say i left with very little gcse's. Kids can be cruel and teenagers can be even worse. Luckily i had the support of my family and my boyfriend at the time. For arguments sake we will call him P.
Even though only 18, P stuck with me throughout it all, he came to all the scans, the birth and moved into my mums house with us so he could spend as much time with us as possible. I'ts also probably important to add that he worked in a dead end job to support us.
I think i've pretty much covered everything up until the birth, so here goes....
I woke up in the middle of the night to find myself soaking wet, eww...you guessed it, my waters had broke! What followed next can only be described as a mad dash to the hospital, me eating jaffa cakes in between contractions and excruciating pain. When they tell you about the 'burning ring of fire' they aren't kidding!
What came next was amazing and terrifying at the same time, the midwife handed me my beautiful baby boy and in that moment i realized that not only did i have to look after him but that i really wanted to. That's a lot of responsibility.
Although P was there all the way through his family wasn't. They saw me as some slag who was trying to trap their son, to this day they don't see my kids because his mum showed no interest in her only grandson and consistently called him a mistake. While he was not planned, he is far from a mistake.
P's dad was keen to meet his only grandson and for a while supported us behind his wife's back. Until my son became a bargaining tool, he offered us money to let his wife (the one who has no interest) see Keiron. It wasn't something i felt comfortable with. After a straight answer of NO from me and P, my dad started to receive texts with the numbers 666 and prank phone calls from P's mum. This wasn't what i wanted for my son to grow into. P cut off all communication with his parents (this was his choice).
So here i was, living in my mums house with my beautiful son and loving boyfriend. I was living the family dream. Then reality set in when i realized we had to get our own place. I didn't want to leave my parents house and basically become an adult. Luckily we found a house, 10 doors down, on the same street as my parents.
I woke up for the first time in my new house and suddenly felt grown up. It was unbelievably scary!
Having a baby doesn't give you much time to ponder over what could have been.
Learning to live in a different house to my parents and having to do things for myself was hard. I found it hard to keep up with everything that needed doing. It's odd when the choice between making bottles and doing dishes answers itself and the reality doesn't creep up until there are no clean cups and a big pile of washing are sitting in front of you.
As time went on, things got better, things got easier and life became manageable again. So when Keiron turned 3, we decided to try for another baby. I got pregnant straight away, but sadly it wasn't meant to be and i had a miscarriage. After that i was put off the idea of trying to get pregnant again. As time went on i got pregnant by accident yet again. Although terrified and overwhelmed we were ready to accept and embrace the responsibility.
So, i was pregnant again, with Keiron in nursery half the day, i thought another baby would be easy.....How wrong was i? P lost his job and was forced to take a job working nights, money got very tight and time seemed to go so slow. He worked all night and slept all day. I felt like a single parent with a room mate that shared my bed.
Pregnancy was easier this time, i felt like a mum now. And for the first time in my life i felt i could do it all on my own. As my bump grew, so did my sense of self worth.
This time i could have a home birth and little Sagen Jayne was born on my living room floor with my mum, little sister and P all there to support me, while my dad took Keiron out for a few hours. Sagen's birth was uneventful but the rush of love was the same.
Keiron came home from a fun day out with his bampi to a new baby sister who he was to scared to touch, but as time went on and they both grew older, they gradually started playing with each other.
My life felt complete.....well almost.....
I discovered i was pregnant at 16 after my mum bought me a pregnancy test after i missed a period. My god was i shocked at the result. Tears streamed down my face. "Oh my god! What am i going to do?" i thought to myself. After a few moments of calming myself down i quietly called my little sister, Emily, into my bedroom and showed her the result. Expecting her to give me a lecture, she started prancing round with a huge smile on her face.
Telling my mum was the worst part. She had always been open and honest about relationships and sex and using protection etc, so i felt like a disappointment.
"Mum, can i talk to you a sec" i stood in her bedroom doorway. She looked at me, realized something was wrong and headed straight for my bedroom. My mind went empty. I pulled out the pregnancy test and showed it to her. Probably not the best way to do it, but oh well. Her face dropped, no words came out of her mouth, she turned and headed back her bedroom, slamming my door on the way. "Well that went well."
After leaving her to calm down and of course tell my dad, they both were sitting at the table, so i joined them, bracing myself for raised voices, my dad started giving me the sex talk.....My mum interrupted to tell him its a bit late for that. They continued to tell them what i want to do next is completely my choice and either way they will support me as much as possible. I love my parent!
so, here i was, 16, pregnant and still in school. I could say that my friends supported me through it but i would be lying...Truth of the matter is i was ridiculed, looked over and at one point pushed down the stairs. Yeah that's right, pushed down the stairs while i was six months pregnant.I wasn't exactly schools biggest fan but being the only pregnant girl in my school made it unbearable, needless to say i left with very little gcse's. Kids can be cruel and teenagers can be even worse. Luckily i had the support of my family and my boyfriend at the time. For arguments sake we will call him P.
Even though only 18, P stuck with me throughout it all, he came to all the scans, the birth and moved into my mums house with us so he could spend as much time with us as possible. I'ts also probably important to add that he worked in a dead end job to support us.
I think i've pretty much covered everything up until the birth, so here goes....
I woke up in the middle of the night to find myself soaking wet, eww...you guessed it, my waters had broke! What followed next can only be described as a mad dash to the hospital, me eating jaffa cakes in between contractions and excruciating pain. When they tell you about the 'burning ring of fire' they aren't kidding!
What came next was amazing and terrifying at the same time, the midwife handed me my beautiful baby boy and in that moment i realized that not only did i have to look after him but that i really wanted to. That's a lot of responsibility.
Although P was there all the way through his family wasn't. They saw me as some slag who was trying to trap their son, to this day they don't see my kids because his mum showed no interest in her only grandson and consistently called him a mistake. While he was not planned, he is far from a mistake.
P's dad was keen to meet his only grandson and for a while supported us behind his wife's back. Until my son became a bargaining tool, he offered us money to let his wife (the one who has no interest) see Keiron. It wasn't something i felt comfortable with. After a straight answer of NO from me and P, my dad started to receive texts with the numbers 666 and prank phone calls from P's mum. This wasn't what i wanted for my son to grow into. P cut off all communication with his parents (this was his choice).
So here i was, living in my mums house with my beautiful son and loving boyfriend. I was living the family dream. Then reality set in when i realized we had to get our own place. I didn't want to leave my parents house and basically become an adult. Luckily we found a house, 10 doors down, on the same street as my parents.
I woke up for the first time in my new house and suddenly felt grown up. It was unbelievably scary!
Having a baby doesn't give you much time to ponder over what could have been.
Learning to live in a different house to my parents and having to do things for myself was hard. I found it hard to keep up with everything that needed doing. It's odd when the choice between making bottles and doing dishes answers itself and the reality doesn't creep up until there are no clean cups and a big pile of washing are sitting in front of you.
As time went on, things got better, things got easier and life became manageable again. So when Keiron turned 3, we decided to try for another baby. I got pregnant straight away, but sadly it wasn't meant to be and i had a miscarriage. After that i was put off the idea of trying to get pregnant again. As time went on i got pregnant by accident yet again. Although terrified and overwhelmed we were ready to accept and embrace the responsibility.
So, i was pregnant again, with Keiron in nursery half the day, i thought another baby would be easy.....How wrong was i? P lost his job and was forced to take a job working nights, money got very tight and time seemed to go so slow. He worked all night and slept all day. I felt like a single parent with a room mate that shared my bed.
Pregnancy was easier this time, i felt like a mum now. And for the first time in my life i felt i could do it all on my own. As my bump grew, so did my sense of self worth.
This time i could have a home birth and little Sagen Jayne was born on my living room floor with my mum, little sister and P all there to support me, while my dad took Keiron out for a few hours. Sagen's birth was uneventful but the rush of love was the same.
Keiron came home from a fun day out with his bampi to a new baby sister who he was to scared to touch, but as time went on and they both grew older, they gradually started playing with each other.
My life felt complete.....well almost.....
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