I couldn't just tell P. Infact i didn't want to tell him, i just wanted it all to magically sort itself out. But i had to tell him. It wasn't fair on either of us to carry on like this and he had a right to know.
I looked for a argument, reasons to make him angry with me, in the hope that when i did tell him he wouldn't care so much because he was angry at other things. (i was fooling myself.) Ofcourse that wouldn't work, but at the time i thought it would.
The arguing continued on into the night. I sat on the bedroom floor, sobbing, and i just came out with it.
J kissed me.
P's facial expresion was heart breaking. He asked if i kissed him back. I nodded.
P gave me a disgusted look (a lot less than i deserved) and stormed out of the house. In some ways i was releieved that i told him and in others i was devistated that 6 years of my life had just suddenly ended. Although i knew this was for the best.
I phoned L and J to warn them that P was properly on his way. He would have been angry by now and i didn't want anyone getting hurt including P.
Not long after L phoned me back to say P had been up there, banging on the door and threatning them all so she phoned the police. Great. So not only had i just broke his heart but the police were after him aswell. I didn't want to destroy his life. He had a right to be angry. I mean who wouldn't be?
P came back. Even thought i had cheated on him , he wanted to give me another chance. Oh no! I couldn't, it wouldn't have been fair on him or myself. I looked else where because i was lonely and wanted to feel special. That didn't stop me feeling guilty though.
P did the 'I can change' routine, even though it shouldn't have been him saying that, i didn't believe he could.
A month had past, P still kept trying but i had to keep pushing him away and carry on for the mine and the kids sake. I had to put a huge wall up and pretend that i just didn't care. For the past month P's effort was not for the kids but to get me back, so i had the kids, had to answer all the awkwood questions and try to make them feel loved. I asked him countless amouts of times if he wanted to take the kids out for a bit to spend some time with them but nothing ever came of it. My children were suffering now. I felt as though it was my fault but even though i had broken P's heart he still had children and still had to be a father.
I decided to take them away from all this and give everyone a break, so myself, J and the ids planned to go to J's home in Wrexham for a week and turn it into a little holiday for them.
I have to add that i did offer if P wanted them for the week, without me being around so he could spend some proper time with them. The answer was no. So what was i to do? keep them in this enviroment and let them carry on suffering or take them away and let them be kids and have fun?
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